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18

Apr

me:
what's your ethnicity
white:
10% luck 20% skill 15% concentrated power of will 5% pleasure 50% pain and 100% reason to remember the name

Trippy

I think I might have some form of PTSD. Or something. I have been thinking of kālīs birth and the hospital stay. I regret things I didn’t do/ask while she was in the Nicu. I’ve been looking up premie things on line still. This morning I ate oatmeal and it reminded me when I was in the hospital because the only good breakfast food was oatmeal so I always had that. Life is good outside of the hospital we are all healthy and happy. I can not grasp why my brain would want to revert back to that cold dark time in our lives

12

Apr

4 month

Okay they say once you become a parent(mom) your life is never the same and you wonder what you did before this little life came into the world. I think I have a case of the smothers x100! I can not get enough of miss kālī! On the days I work I don’t want her to nap, I want her to constantly be in my arms. I know so unhealthy but fuck off with that. These 4months have flown by and today I was able to take a shower without her screaming out for me. I for real wanted to cry. I am so grateful and happy she is a happy healthy baby but this is all going too fast!

10

Apr

plasmatics-life:

Unforgettable Elephants Emotions ~ Nature | (by Sapere Aude)

Me and Kālī
Not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes life just sucks.
Alexa Chung  (via silvike)

(Source: alexturnerisababe)

18

Mar

Kālī fell off the couch earlier today :( now we know she can roll…..

Kālī fell off the couch earlier today :( now we know she can roll…..

16

Mar

After 3 months today I was finally able to have a real breakfast. She’s been sleeping since I nursed her at 9am. Thank you baby Jesus!!!

After 3 months today I was finally able to have a real breakfast. She’s been sleeping since I nursed her at 9am. Thank you baby Jesus!!!

If someone has a small baby

lanasmommy:

Do not say
•Omg shes so small!
•Do you feed her enough?
•Is something wrong with her?
•I bet she was a preemie
•My child was bigger then your baby at birth
•I bet labor didn’t even hurt
•She’s the tiniest __ month old ever!

Think before you speak.

Amen

NICU Mommu

I was able to see Kālī before they took her to valley children’s. She was in this huge incubator to stay warm. Her arms and legs were away from her body. She wasn’t snuggled. And the mommy in me wanted to wrap or hold her or something I wasn’t quite sure what. After she arrived at valley children’s my brother in law sent me a picture of her wrapped up in this pillow casing. It wasn’t my arms but I knew she was being held just like she would if she were still inside me.
I couldn’t seen actually see her and hold her until 5 days after she was born. It was the most wonderfully stressful time of my life. I remember Chris checking my pulse while we were waiting to be called back to the Nicu and it was racing!
To touch her I felt so many emotions but I couldn’t bring myself to breakdown. Yes I felt the need and want to but I was no longer strong for me but for her. How could her first touch by me feel sad?!
So everyday after that when I would visit it would be happiness she felt all the depression and anger and blame was left at the wash basin she only felt love and acceptance.
Kālī had to be intubated but in the time that I was in the hospital she had “upgraded” to a cpap then a nasal cannula which she had when I met her. She absolutely hated it! Within a week she didn’t need the cannula!
Kālī also had a og tube in which she also despised and pulled out numerous times. A diva at birth.
Within a few weeks Kālī was weened off the isolet and into a big girl bed! Since it was the holidays these were the best gifts I will ever get. Although I do remember feeling lonely, depressed and constantly blaming myself for what has happened to my first born.
Kālī stayed in the hospital for 5 weeks. When we took her home we realized how small she really was compared to everything life size in our house. But God we were so happy!
Kālī just celebrated her 3month birthday! She is close to 10lbs and is developing beautifully.
I love her more then I’ve ever loved before. I do wake up sometimes thinking I will have to take her back though (silly) I am so happy she is here with us.

08

Mar

31 weeks 6 days

Went in for a follow up ultrasound at valley children’s. The MA took my bp. They only did that my first ultrasound. It was high…….ultrasound went great and baby is fine but Dr told me to go to the hospital asap they want to monitor me because the bp was so high. I was happy to see my BG growing she was 3lbs 10oz I was calculating in my head how much she will grow by Feb 8th (due date). So Chris and I went home packed a bag because I was told I would probably stay overnight. We got some food then off to the hospital. Since I’ve done this twice before I had no worries.
Got checked in peed in a cup and got hooked up to the bp machine so the nurses can monitor me.
Some time passed and a nurse comes in to tell me I am being admitted…. Okayy this is new. I’m thinking in my head here it is I am going to have to be put on bed rest.
Some more time goes by and the Dr. Comes in. He states “you’re very sick I want this baby out of you tomorrow”
:dizzy feeling:
I remember just looking at him smiling and nodding (the strongest I will be for a month.)
I immediately begin to call everyone meanwhile the pain is coming back and bp is rising. I am put on magnesium to prevent a stroke and given 2 more rounds of steroids. While family and friends come to visit Chris and I hold it together.
I remember not sleeping and praying my bp goes down. Praying my Dr decides to put me on bed rest. Pleading with god I’ll stay in the hospital for weeks just don’t let me have this baby early. I even thought of trading this early delivery for down syndrome.
Morning comes my nerves finally settle and I somewhat relax…..I’m excited! I get to be a mommy today! I don’t have to wait 2months I get to hold her and smell her and be rid of this pain. I can do this I can go though labor today! And have a baby as my reward.
That great fantasy gets thrown away when my Dr comes in and tells me I am too sick to deliver vaginally. She said either I could die or my baby could die. (Again with the smile and nodding) I cry. I just let it go. Thinking this is all happening for a reason I know it but goodness it hurts so bad not knowing that reason now.
Kālī Sioux was born at 12:01 on 12.13.13 a Friday. She was 3lbs 10oz. I heard her cry for the first time and I cried. I remember my heart sinking out of happiness and I took a deep breath because she was here.
Chris and I stayed in recovery for a while until my room was ready. I didn’t know Kālī stopped breathing and they had to intubate her to put surfactant in her lungs. I vaguely remember them telling me she is in the NICU and knowing Nicu is bad but she was born tiny of course she has to be there.
THEN the Nicu Dr comes and tells us she has blood in her lungs so they want to take her to valley children’s where she will be better cared for. I remember seeing this tiny being with tubes coming out of her. Everywhere. I didn’t cry, I didn’t have any emotions. She was mine but not really. I wouldn’t be able to hold her until 5 days later when I was released from the hospital. Which then started another journey of my new life. NICU mommy life