July 19 2014
That breath that you just took, that’s a gift
- Rob Bell
To be present at the death of a loved one is probably the most spiritually profound, life altering event one could possibly experience. In my 25 years of life, before last week I’d never seen death. I’d never experienced the heartbreak of losing a loved one. To be honest, the mere thought of this inevitable life event terrified me.
And then, exactly one week ago, I held my own baby, my first child, the love of my life in my arms as he quietly passed. It still seems so surreal. Never in a million years would I have thought I could be strong enough to do that, let alone truly find a sense of peace and yes, even BEAUTY, in doing so.
And yet here I am. I’m still alive and well another day. My world keeps spinning and life goes on. How, I’m not quite sure, but it does.
During the 17 miraculous hours Landon spent with us off life support, we never knew if his next breath would be his last. In fact, many times his breathing stopped and his color changed, and we were sure he was gone, but then the little bugger would starting breathing again. Each time, his little hands would squeeze my fingers (a result of the stiffening of muscles, not at all conscious, but still so incredible). It was hard to see at first, but once we understood that he wasn’t suffering at all, but simply preparing his little body for the eventual transition, we were able to relax and just savour each moment we had with him.
By the time the next morning came around and he was still going strong, we were even able to find humour - we imagined that he was being a little trickster like his Dad, making us all believe he was gone and then - “Just kidding!”.
I don’t know how I was able to stay so strong, and in doing so helping my husband and family to also experience this beautiful little life. But I do think that your prayers, meditations , and intentions held me up. I am certain I’d never have been able to go on, let alone find peace, during this time had it not been for all your support.
From the bottom of my heart, Thank You.
She has to be the strongest!!!! Although I have never felt hurt this great I can feel her. Like a little bit of her pain is being seeped into me through her words allowing her to heal